It was so real

So, Sophie got really sick Saturday night. She went to bed with us figuring she had an ear infection. She was super snotty- eyes, nose, nasty. Then, Sunday morning she woke up pretty hot- 102. She acted ok, but in pain. We decided to go get donuts, and as we were there, she coughed and choked herself a few times. Then, she started acting very listless. She looked sick. On everything I have read about kids, it says to gauge how sick they are by how they act. A child with 105 fever but running around playing is probably fine, however, a child with 100.4 fever but acting listless needs to be seen. Anyway, she then had 103.5, with tylenol in her. She didn't move a whole lot, and looked pretty rough. So, we called our pediatrician, who told us to take her to urgent care and have her seen immediately. She said not to take any chances, seeing how sick she got and how fast last time. So, off to Urgent Care we went. I have to say that at this point, I honestly felt like I was gonna have a panic attack. I was sweaty, felt like throwing up, and could have passed out if I had laid down long enough. I don't think the reality of what happened to her in September had ever really sunk in. Well, the thought of having to go through all of that again hit me like a train running into the side of a mountain. I prayed like I have never prayed before. And, as I was praying, with Sophie laying on my shoulder listless, I felt God touch me. Don't laugh, it wasn't as if I felt a literal hand, but I knew what He was telling me. He calmed me down enough to take care of her, and as I waited for the doctor to come into the room, He let me in on His secret. I had held Sophie as she was dying. She literally was gasping for her last breaths on the helicopter ride on the way to the PICU in September. She was in her final moments of life, and I was holding her. I was comforting her, but had no idea just how serious it all was. And, God changed His mind. He decided she should be around longer, and changed his mind. So, as I held her in the room on Sunday morning, I realized that God gave me a second chance with this small miracle of life in September. He changed His mind about wanting her then and allowed Aaron and I to have her back. I know what it feels like to watch your child fighting for every breath they take, and am blessed to know that God felt He could trust me with her. As he revealed this secret to me in the office, I realized that I am to care for this baby no matter how many ear infections she gets, no matter how many bouts with pneumonia she fights, no matter how many sleepless nights it takes with gratitude. Gratitude that I am able to stay up all night and comfort her. Because it could have gone the other way very easily in September. (If you had seen the looks on all of the doctor's and nurses' faces, you would know just how close it was to going the other way). God could not have changed His mind. He could have taken her. There are many moms out there right now who would give anything to sit in a doctor's office with their sick baby if only it meant they could have that baby in their arms once again. So, Sophie is on her 6th round of antibiotics since September 3rd. So, she hasn't slept more than an hour at a time in three months. So, she has no intention on ever stopping nursing. She is here. And I am thankful. I am thankful that I have seen her smile today. I am thankful that I have heard her laugh. I am thankful for her slobbery, nasty, wet, french kisses all over my face today. I am thankful for getting to watch her dance her whole body every time the Aggie band played music at the game today. I am thankful for getting to watch her face light up when she saw the baby in the mirror waving back to her this morning. Thank you God for the honor of trusting us with her. I promise to not take my job lightly as her mother. I promise to love her EVERY time she wakes up in the night. I do not know why she is staying so sick, but I promise to love her, hold her, and comfort her through it all. Thank you for sharing her with me, and for giving her back when you so easily could have taken her. I have taken my job too lightly as a mother, and I apologize. This IS the greatest calling anyone could ever have, and you have trusted me with it twice. For that, I am forever grateful.