Confessions

Sometimes, when I see him sleeping, I just stand there looking at his wonderfullness. I just listen to the sounds he makes, I wonder what his little mind is dreaming, and I can not believe that God trusted me enough to give him to me. It is all I can do not to just squeeze him and make sure that he is real. Sometimes, I hear him talking, I listen to his jokes, I hear him laugh and giggle, I watch his pure joy he gets from helping me, and I truly wonder what I did right for God to entrust this little life to measly old me. I mean, if you think about the task at hand- taking a tiny seed, growing it inside of you, and then growing it in this scary, dangerous world, hoping that your plant will have manners, confidence, love, desire to change the world, and so many other traits that you can only imagine, the task seems too great. But then, day by day, you realize that its working. He says "please" when he wants something, he says "sir" after a request. He opens the door for you, or scoots to the side on the stairs when a lady is coming down, and you realize, he is just perfect! He is growing strong and fast, and I wonder sometimes why it has to go so fast. I mean, I feel like he was just inside of me, and now here he is wondering how to spell everything, sounding words out that I didn't know he knew, comparing words that have similar meanings (quiet and soft are the same), asking questions about details he shouldn't notice, and I realize this little baby is a boy now, soon to be a teenager, and then a man. What an amazing thing! I know I have said this before, but I love watching my children grow day by day. I have had so many people ask me when I am going back to work, comments made on how I am "wasting" my life- my degree, all of those hard years I spent working on it. But, I have to say, I can not imagine doing anything other than what I am. I love every minute of kissing bobos, doing puzzles, exploring paint colors and markers and stickers and glue, I love seeing every step in these tiny little lives. I honestly can not imagine me anywhere else or doing anything else.

Sometimes I hear her pattering her little feet down the hall, and I get all giddy, like a teenager about to have her first kiss. I get all exciting knowing how happy she is going to be to see me. How she will throw her little arms up and say "up momma." I love waiting for her to grab my face, pull it close, open her mouth wide, and slobber all of me! I love watching the face she makes when she doesn't want to be messed with, and I totally go crazy every time she says a new word (her new one is "gigem" which sounds exactly like that!). Its so amazing to watch her follow Sullivan around like a little lost puppy pretending to fit into his world. How wonderful is it to see her so daring- climbing to the top of the stairs and throwing herself down a slide. Her little personality (well, it isn't so little) is totally coming out now, and man is she a firecracker! What an amazing job being a mommy is- to shape these little lives, steer them in the right direction, mold them into little ladies or gentlemen. It is a job I do not take lightly. Alright, my firecracker wants to play "the itsy bitsy spider", so I must end this sappy moment.